All dressed up and nowhere to go
Imagine one of these early autumn evenings — the sun is bright, and the night promises to be nicely warm. I sit in my bedroom with a laptop in my lap, and obsessively check Messenger. Truth be told, I just invited someone out. I dressed up and prepared myself for an awkward wait. Hours pass, but I get no reply. I grow anxious, insecure, angry.
Have you ever experienced anything like this?
Welcome to the modern world of disconnect
This isn’t a love story.
Social media creates a perfectly comfortable environment for us to neglect, harass and stalk others online. How many times did it leave us unsettled, empty, self-loathing?
The average person spends around 2 hours on social media every day. To put that into perspective, we spend less time eating. (And I love eating.)
Underneath this social makeup we are lonely — online acquaintances and instant messaging create illusion of connectivity only to leave us isolated and disconnected.
In the age of modern technology we need a special classification for a social media induced depression.
Due to complexity of social interactions and our human nature in general, we can’t entirely shift the blame to social media for our non-sensible actions, but often they serve as a bridge to our “black lodge”.
There is social media that makes us worse and social media that makes us better. Let’s begin by differentiating between these two.
1. The good
Well, first of all, social media isn’t entirely evil. We have a great deal of data at our fingertips. We are privileged to experience the magic of connectivity.
What we need to rethink is how we utilise this information. For instance, we are more likely to engage with agreeable rather than challenging ideas. Web companies take advantage of it by helping us create “filter bubbles” that endorse our confirmation biases. Do we ever move out of this comfort zone? Rarely, because our brain prefers cognitive ease over mental load. To do so, we need to possess a certain intellectual capability, analytical and critical thinking, and lots of effort.
With this effort, accessibility of information and connectivity are an exciting feat.
2. The bad
Like Pavlov’s dog, we lift our phone every time it buzzes. We lift it every time the screen lights up. Are we a subject of classical conditioning?
Is it really necessary? Or are we bored, killing time, procrastinating, curious about that post from someone who hasn’t posted in a while? And yes, it also happens not without the help of social media platforms, that hook us up and bring us to where we left off.
As social species, we look for validation and acceptance.
But do we really need approval from all of our 389 acquaintances “rendering you the kind of fellow who is beloved by all yet loved by none, all of it to distract, however, fleetingly from the cold and dead-faced truth that with each passing year you face the unavoidable certainty of a solitary future in which you will perish one day while vainly attempting the Heimlich manoeuvre on yourself over the back of a kitchen chair”?
Approval just makes us feel better about ourselves. It’s indicative of our need for validation and low self-esteem.
Additionally, it’s easy to lose touch with reality by looking at polished pictures of social media bloggers (or vacationing friends), who promote unrealistic life expectations. They know how to manipulate reality.
And, at times, we all wish to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. Social media exacerbates this desire.
3. The ugly
Research links heavy Facebook and social media usage to depression.
Consider briefly the behavioural triggers that reinforce our social media usage — boredom, wait, procrastination. Guilt and shame are the most frequent emotions that people experience, consciously or subconsciously, after they spend time online.
We lose focus: oh yes, we all have been there, binge-watching pug videos on YouTube. Once, I watched a 2-hour long documentary about conjoined twins.
And I’m sorry for distracting you (I might as well just lose you in a YouTube blackhole), because multitasking comes at a high price — we lose about 40% of our productive time by focusing on several tasks at a time.
Despite all of the above, social media also brings us the sense of belonging, comfort and fun with our friends and family. Nurturing this healthy part of social media environments can change the way we spend time online.
This is how we go about it in my rehab
Measure
To get a better perspective on how much time you spend online — measure it. There are lots of apps that will provide you with quantitive data on your phone usage. They will help you set specific goals, track personal records a̶n̶d̶ ̶s̶h̶a̶r̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶m̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶o̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶p̶a̶t̶i̶e̶n̶t̶s̶. Identify apps that are high on usage and try to bring it down gradually.
Unsubscribe
Just like in real life, our social media connections can be healthy or destructive. We want to discern between these two. Muting or blocking people and channels that disrupt our lives can be therapeutic.
I also cleaned up all of my newsletter subscriptions – now fewer and fewer services were tricking me back for sales and offers. Consider this — not only you save your time, but also money. Let’s celebrate with an avocado toast, I invite!
Bring in a stream of fresh information
You don’t have to avoid social media like the plague. Turn routine feed check into an informative experience. I subscribed to various scientific channels like National Geographic, TED and NASA. Consider adding other information sources that bring challenging ideas into your filter bubble.
Delete apps and don’t allow notifications
After I recognised that boredom and procrastination prompted me to spend more and more time on social media, I stopped using Facebook, Instagram and Twitter on my mobile phone. I started checking web feeds a couple of times a week, so that I don’t miss events or start drifting away from my friends.
If you don’t want to delete apps—don’t allow notifications, even if it’s for a couple of hours during the day. Let your family and friends know how they can reach you in case of urgency. That will allow you to stay in touch without checking your messages every 5 minutes.
Last, but not least—connect, for real
Social media makes our friends available whenever we are, wherever we are, but on a superficial level. This availability devalues connections and degrades the quality of interactions. It’s easy and convenient, but it can’t replace face to face communication. It can’t replace quality time with friends and family.
Connect. It’s as easy as it sounds. Skype with your family and invite them for a real hangout. Message a friend to grab a brunch together.
We use social media to fill the emptiness inside us. But, like toddlers, we force wrong shapes into wrong holes. We substitute offline connections with online, and expect them to have the same effect. Fast connection is like fast food — satisfying only while it lasts.
Only when we decide internally that we shouldn’t be lonely anymore, then social media can help us foster our relationships and become the better selves.
If we are willing to do the job online and offline, then we’re finally recovering.
I’m a product designer who takes interest in psychology, social studies and neuroscience. If you liked this article, you can indulge my writing (and drawing) by sharing it.
